Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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