that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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