Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
