so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.