wanna go halves on a baby?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night