Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Okay so I just had a really great idea
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head