Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
