We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
