Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
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