we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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