She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
