Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
