The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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