just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
