life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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