i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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