Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
