i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
