Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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