I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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