Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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