my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
