I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
