I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
