He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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