My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
