If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
