just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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