True but thats because hes a fetus.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
