I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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