New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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