What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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