hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I understand Curling. That high.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
