i was rollin on her like bob the builder
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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