At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
