i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
