Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
