Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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