am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
