The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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