you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
