I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
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i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
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I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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