quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You ruined the universe
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
