i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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