she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
