remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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