Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
