He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
