And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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