I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
