i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
How's work?
Spinning.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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