sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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