You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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