my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
