if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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