Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
