so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
