So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
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I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
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Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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