Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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