apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
