I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
