people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
