first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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